Friday, August 24, 2007

Help

“It’s a sad situation, Sam. You’re right. There’s a nasty custody battle too, so the boys really are in the midst of it. It’s very hard for them. You seemed to give them some fun though. Do you get a lot of cases like that,” Beth asked?

“Yes, we do. There are so many divorces these days that they’ve become the main source of income for most PIs. Of the ten new cases we got this week eight of them were to follow a spouse suspected of cheating, or to get information for a divorce case. It seems there is very little trust in relationships any more. The first sign of trouble in a marriage and we are called. As I’ve said the worst cases are the ones where children are involved. They can get really nasty. These are my least favorite type of case. It doesn’t say a lot for marriage, does it,” Sam asked.

“I think marriage is what you make it, Sam. It’s like anything else. If you want it to work you have to work at it,” Kate said. “My late husband and I were married for 24 years and we were very happy. Oh, we had our bad days, everyone does, but most of the time we were content with each other. I think that has to count for something.”

“I guess so, Kate but then you were married in the days when marriage was considered forever, whereas now, most couples are lucky if they make it past five years.”

“I think you’ll find a lot of people still work at their marriages, Sam,” Beth said. “But you’re right about the children. It’s too bad there isn’t some way to wrap them in cotton wool and protect them when their parents are at each others throats. I feel for Tony and Terry too.”


A little later in the same scene: A conversation between Stacy and her sister Linda.

When Stacy came back she found her family deep in a discussion about Sam.

“Boy, does he have a jaded view of marriage, Stacy. I think you’d better back off before you get hurt,” Linda advised.

“Neither one of us is discussing marriage Linda. We’re just friends. I’ve only been out with him once, really. You can’t count the day we met so much, or today either for that matter because he was busy with the children. The day we went for the walk was the only time we really had what anyone could loosely call a date.”



This is a scene from my manuscript in which I am trying to show that the hero--Sam-- is dead set against marriage because of what he has seen as a private investigator. I guess I could use some advice from Mallory here. ;) The scene takes place in the kitchen of the heroine's--(Stacy's) sister Beth and is a conversation between Beth, Stacy's Aunt Kate (her guardian when she was younger) and Sam. This is prompted by a conversation Sam has had with little twin brothers who are caught in the middle of a nasty custody battle. The purpose of the scene is to explain why Stacy's family is convinced a relationship for her and Sam will go nowhere as the result of what he has said about marriage.

As you can see I am having trouble showing that so I could use your advice. I don't think I have said enough to show her family how strongly he feels about marriage. In an earlier scene I showed how he felt about commitment. Later I go into his feelings again when they watch a movie but I feel this scene is not strong enough to make her family feel concern for her.

Any assistance you can give will be greatly appreciated.

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9 Comments:

Blogger McB said...

First I'll just say that I like this first scene. It's good. But you want it to have a bit more intensity, am I reading that right?

One suggestion, copy that scene to a seperate document and experiment a little by taking out any unnecessary words from each sentence. Then try things like changing the sentence structure around. Just as an example:

Instead of "There are so many divorces these days ..." try "These days there are so many divorces ..."

In other words, mix things up a bit to get a new perspective and tone. I think you've got the foundation there, maybe you just need a fresh angle.

7:26 PM  
Blogger Scope Dope Cherrybomb said...

Thanks Mcb. I'll try that. You are right I am trying to give his speech more intensity.

8:54 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Maybe add some more tags, to show he is disgusted. Show him frowning, or saying it harshly, or something with more emotion. Otherwise they are just talking. Like: "It doesn't say a lot for marriage, does it," Sam said with a sneer. Or something like that.

11:43 AM  
Blogger orangehands said...

if your goal is to show Sam is dead-set against marriage to the reader (as opposed to the other characters), it may help to take some of it out of the dialogue and put it into the narrative. ex:

He thought of all the divorces he'd worked, the lies he'd uncovered so his client could take a little extra from the one they promised to cherish forever. His mouth twisted. "Marriage is a joke, and kdis get stuck in the middle."

hope that helps scope

3:48 PM  
Blogger GatorPerson said...

Scope, I don't get much emotion out of your scene. I think Sam should be thinking or showing more emotion and conflict.

A friend once said to me about something else entirely, that he liked things "juicier." Yeah, maybe juice the scene up emotionally.

6:28 PM  
Blogger Scope Dope Cherrybomb said...

I really do appreciate everyone's comments and I plan to use your advice. As you saw I was having a terrible time making him sound like he hated the idea of marriage. Because I think it is great and have not heard a man who had anything bad to say about it I couldn't think how to write this scene.

CBs are wonderful.

7:40 PM  
Blogger The Merry said...

I'm coming to this discussion a little late, but I'd suggest some physical action to mirror his feelings. Of course, having said that I'm stumped for an example. All I can think of that's symbolic of marriage from a man's POV is a wedding ring.
If Sam had to go through a man's belongings and found a wedding ring amongst the man's effects, you could show him hurriedly dropping it as if it were red-hot.
Oh, I don't know. My brain's too tired to function right now. All I am clear about is that it sounds like a story with great potential for conflict and drama. Which is cool.

7:08 PM  
Blogger rssasrb said...

I'm eager to read more. I think you've gotten good advice. My two bits is to show more of his body language. Also, who is the POV character in this scene? If it's Sam then definitely add some of his thoughts and how his actions mirror them. Facial grimaces, tensed shoulders, clenched fists etc. Sarcasm, jokes with an edge can also help portray his feelings.

"You'd never catch me putting my neck in that noose" type of remarks tho that one is cliched.

11:59 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Scope-
I'm even later than Mary, and I'm not familiar with your characters, and I'm a Texan, so what strikes me as very formal dialogue may be downright folksy in Canada, but when I first read it, I thought he was testifying in a courtroom. Is he a formal sort of person? His job is PI, so he'd have some PI jargon into it, plus any jargon, or attitudes that might come from his hobbies, education, or upbringing. He doesn't have to speak in complete sentences.

Sounds like an interesting premise, to find a way to heal this guy enough so he can find his own HEA. Best wishes.

7:44 PM  

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